Either way. Inside I'm dying, but I choose to live. Each day can be a big struggle internally, but sometimes I'm granted the strength to make it through. It often seems like I'm at the mercy of my hormones or some tiny invisible chemicals which may or may not be clearing from betwixt a synapse correctly. If only it were as easy as taking a pill to regulate things; maybe it is, but if I may try to explain that just the act of trying to take a pill every day despite reminders, or the chore of contacting a doctor and scheduling an appointment then also asking off of work and having the time of day during work to do that then actually getting a prescription that doesn't cost an arm and a leg that also works?! It may seem silly but this battle that rages inside of me is enough to have kept me away from getting help for the past 2 years. It's also the moments of," I'm fine, I'm happy enough to do this alone," or "With God's help I can beat this," or "I'll start the pills I have left then call," and then don't....which screw you over.
Why am I being so candid? I don't know. It's a moment of vulnerability I suppose, as I read inspiring words of strong women I know; and it's a return to the blogging style that I've adopted from the very get-go of an angelfire html blog in 1999, through xanga and myspace and facebook which has now landed me here... and even though this is my blog for all things Uganda it all ties in. I'm afraid deep down that the fear which grips me and tells me I'll never be free of this deep sadness keeps me from accomplishing the things I need to get back to the country I love, or explore new countries, and even from the life God wants me to have.
Me owning it is my way of fighting back. Depression, you may ebb and flow within me on a chemical level, but my spirit is fortified by one who holds all the power I need to make it through. I can still have a purpose, and I can still fulfill it despite these teensy troubles which you try to make seem like mountains. Also, I have put my foot down and finally found the energy to attempt another doctor's appointment. I'm not too proud to take a pill. Be in prayer with me, anyone who is reading, that Tuesday goes well and I can find something affordable to help with the physiological side of things. I'm ready to move on. From any attack possible. I'm fighting back, and all guns will be blazing.
(this is for anyone who may also be living in fear, or in self-defeat. there are times we can choose, or not choose, to wallow...and times to own it and fight back. praying you may glean any inspiration to move forward with me. love.)