Thursday, November 13, 2008

what it's about.

I've been struggling all year with things that are on levels I've never considered before. Thinking about love and relationships, my career, my relationship with God, and more specifically, my purpose regarding how I can serve God here in the states... and how the call to foreign missions is supposed to be incorporated into that.
I came very close to quitting my job before I even started, because upon returning from Uganda last summer I felt like a piece of me was literally ripped out of my chest and kept in the country...and the only way to feel complete was to seek it out again. It's a love and a confidence that fills you that is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through something similar. Maybe this is what it will feel like one day when I fall in love with my husband; I dont know. But I decided that as hard as it was, I knew God had provided this job for me in Nashville and was calling me to grow in this profession and to be involved with people's lives in this manner as well. I must admit there are times this year that I've let my own selfish desires to be elsewhere prevent me from really allowing myself to grow in my career like I should... because I didn't (and still don't) understand how this all pans out or fits into the grand scheme.
But who says I need to know how things will end? There are a few things I'm certain of, and the rest are blanks that will be revealed to me in due time. I want to be a good PT, well-rounded, and eventually specialize in peds and hippotherapy (therapeutic riding)... but that takes time. I see myself doing that one day when I've got kids of my own. I know that travel and missions work is going to be in there, too... but is that something for me while I'm single? When I'm married? How can I branch out and explore the cultures of other countries while still being so in love with Uganda and east Africa? When do I have time for it all?

Well. That's probably more than most of you wanted to read about the goings-on in my brain. 

I count myself very blessed to be in a career where my bosses are allowing me to take a large, month-long chunk off of work, cutting into their patient-care dynamic, to go back to Uganda. And an even bigger blessing... all but one day is paid time off so I dont have to worry about rent, loan payments, car payments, or bills piling up while I am gone. Maybe it will be a while before I can move to Uganda or wherever God's calling me (Peace Corps? Other ministries?), but I hope that this "little" interlude will be a time for God to renew in me the desires for His Kingdom and view of "love" in the big picture...I pray for divine appointments with new ministries and possibly travel to a surrounding country so I can just soak more of the world and learn and learn and learn.

Is it a self-serving trip? Because I miss Africa? Maybe. Because I feel like if I dont go I'm going to drift so far away that I can't remember the point anymore? Gosh, I hope not. But I know God's doing such great things. And hopefully I can just offer myself as a servant, to get my hands dirty and hopefully make the lives easier for those I'm staying with, to offer any knowledge I can as a PT to orphanages in the area, and to spend the month in complete worship of my king.


1 comment:

NiTasha said...

you are simply amazing. and thanks for putting into words, things i've struggled to find words for.
love you...